Short written treatment feedback

After some feedback from other students and my lecturer, I have been informed my original short written treatment is far too long and precise. Therefore I need to make it more concise and less specific. My original short treatment is:

'Rolls dice onto table, the crowd watch. Tension builds as the dice keeps spinning until it eventually lands. Crowd sighs with disappointment. No matter how many times the dice is rolled the number doesn't show. Lucky charms are used in ridiculous ways to improve the chances. Still no luck.
Back is turned, all hope is lost. Charms lay on floor. Walks away but in the distance, on the floor the dice lays there number showing, but will never be known.'

This is far too long and detailed so I thought the best way to shorten it would be to look over my animatic and take the main points from it, but have gender ambiguity so I can be interpreted however the reader wants. The result of this is my new short written treatment:

'Gambler wanting a prize, needs some luck. Helping hand from creatures and no giving up until success is achieved.'

I feel the gambler aspect needs to be mentioned and also the animals need a mention too. Apart from this I have kept it as vague as I feel comfortable with, without having it make no sense.